8 reasons Assassins Creed is secretly a game about cats

Mysteries of the Ani-mouse

Seriously. We know you don’t believe us yet, but seriously. We came to this astounding realisation a couple of days ago and immediately knew that we had to share it with you. In Assassin’s Creed (opens in new tab), you are not playing an ancestral murder-man. You are playing a reskinned cat. All of the series’ core mechanics and tropes are based upon well documented feline behaviour. Assassin’s Creed is simply an urban cat simulator that they redressed as a historical conspiracy epic in order to maximise its commercial chances.

Still don’t believe us? Click on and we’ll explain.

It’s about using parkour as your default mode of travel

Because why go from A to B when you can go via F, Z, K, U and E?

It’s about climbing on top of the highest thing in the area for no good reason

Being on top of a thing means that you have conquered that thing and are now safe from all things that are smaller than your thing.

It’s about causing a ruckus and nonchalantly walking away like it wasn’t your fault

“What? Me? Nah”


Or it’s about frantically running away when your careful, meticulously planned stealthy approach suddenly goes to shit

From predatory ninja to scrambling prey in the time it takes one guard to turn around. Or a bird to spot your tail in the long grass.

It’s about retractable claws

Rumour has it that cats had a full set of fingers until they had these fitted.

It’s about randomly sticking innocent passers-by with precicely zero provocation

Because you’ve got to stay sharp for when it actually matters.

It’s about having a physical aversion to water

At least in the first one. Assassins got better after the middle-ages. Cats didn’t.

It’s about collecting feathers

But you don’t have to dump them on your friends’ kitchen floor at breakfast.

White (clad) cats CAN jump

Mind blown? Entire perception of one of gaming’s biggest franchises lying in tatters around the floor? Thought so.

Well before you curl up on the ground and play with them for three hours, why not check out some of our similar content? Try Solid Snake doing mundane, unexciting jobs (opens in new tab) and E3 2013 if it had happened in 1983 instead (opens in new tab).

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